All The World’s Monsters Volume III, Part II

Yeah, Let’s Just Get Into This

Oh, And If You Know What’s Up With The Henderson Horror (Below), Clue Me In, Will Ya? Thanks.

Also “Pedants & Peasants” Is Now The Name Of My Retrogame Clone

So, last time, we started with a long delayed look at All The World’s Monsters Volume III. Today, we continue with the Electrogoyle!

Electrogoyle: Now, with a name like “electrogoyle’, you might assume this is some kind of “electric gargoyle”. You’d be correct. Specifically, it’s a a gargoyle whose lower body is a lightning bolt, and, once per day, it can throw a 16d6 bolt. It’s immune to poison, acid, charm, and all forms of electricity. Well, the last one makes sense.

Elephant, Pink: This “rare, mythical’ creature is surprisingly straightforward. It is, for most purposes, an elephant, though it’s immune to magic. It doesn’t gain +4 against alcoholics or shoot a devastating stream of whiskey out of its trunk or anything. There is a 50% chance that it’s a 4th to 6th level Magic User, however. I dunno. It’s like “given an open invitation to make something ridiculously wacky and fun, let’s… not”.

Elf, Dark: Not an angst-ridden, soul-searching, Mary Sue, this is just an elf/orc hybrid, which implies either a “very ugly backstory” or “the love that dare not speak its name except in 10,000 pages of elf/orc slashfic.

Eternity Stalker: A cloud of blue mist that… well…

And there you go. Because ‘I teleport into the cloud of blue mist” was evidently a thing you did back then.

F

Fachan: A one-eyed, one-armed, one-legged creature, armed (in its one) with a twenty-ball poisonous flail. This is from Irish folklore, presumably from when they weren’t seeing Elephants, Pink. Another data point for why any article on “Ha ha, D&D monsters are ridiculous” needs to look at actual mythology to create a fair basis for comparison.

Four Eyed Hig: First, why isn’t this under “Hig, Four Eyed”? Second, this is a cube-shaped alien with an eye (on a tentacle) on four of its sides, and, also, one each of its sides, a propeller. Because it’s filled with helium and that’s how it moves. Yeah, let’s forget what I just said about actual human mythology vs. D&D.

G

Glamdar: A “natural master of the martial arts”, this creature “from the Orient” is blue-gray, scaled, spiny, and has a 5d10 radioactive breath weapon. Its treasure type includes “Oriental artifacts”, like tentacle manga and unreleased iPhone models.

Golem (Cloth, Dust, Mud, Steel): Another monster sourcebook, another flood of subtypes of demons, dragons, and golem. The mud golem is a stone golem that has had “Rock To Mud” cast on it.

Greased Lightning: Sadly, not the result of a lightning elemental and an oil elemental loving each other very much. This is just a very fast goblin.

Green Horror: A five foot long turtle sporting a one-eyed human face, from which it shoots lightning bolts.

Grey Summoner: A starfish someone tattooed a bunch of mystic sigils onto. When “molested”, it randomly summons a demon.

H

Henderson Horror: “This hideous creature was created by the gods as a warning to mankind that randomly created monsters were no substitute for creativity.” Well. There is certainly a backstory there. Any readers (yeah, like there are any readers) who were around at the time want to chime in?

Hush Puppy: An adowable widdle puppers wot radiates a 15′ Silence field. (Get it? Get it? Granted, being the man who created the dolphiend, the tumblebleed, and the ant, acid, I have no grounds to complain.) Oh, if you remove the puppy from the dungeon, it dies. Because some people just want to see the world burn.

J, K

Jushkaparik: Gesundheit! This is an onocentaur (and of course you know what that is) with a brass jaw. Not to be confused with a yokocentaur with a glass jaw. That would just be silly.

Kembazi: A “man-sized robot with five arms and three legs formed of white hot iron contained by a magnetic field”. And the fact is, boils and ghouls, when we were playing, back in the day, encountering that right after a fighting a centaur and just before fighting a troll would be just another day in the dungeon. That’s what old-school was all about.

Khirra: An “ape shaped mass of protoplasm” with assorted power. Also known as “the energy ape”. I suspect this led to debates among pedants (not peasants) of the world, as they argued about which term should be employed. Addendum: “Pedants and Peasants” is a great name for an RPG.

Up next: The lamentable lamagriff, and three types of “leicht geiste”, whatever that is.